Some days you just feel more like yourself. I presume most people do at least; have days where they feel in their element, confident of their abilities, or just comfortable or even happy with how they are.
Before I used to search for that actively, because I had to be someone else, someone who could get along with a manipulating, selfish and generally awful person. Now I find it just comes. More rarely than I would like, caused by this wretchedness called M.E., as part of what truly makes me is my mind, but sometimes, even when I cannot think, it comes. This feeling of remembering that this is how I am, how I am supposed to be, how I am supposed to live.
I know millions of people might never get to experience that, and I’m happy I do, as I would never want to rob anyone of the possibility to be who they know, or perhaps yearn to be. Being is to important for that. I just hope that others will choose the better path, not just the path that is good for others, but the path that is good for themselves. I try to, and I know how hard it can be.
I will not be petty and say that my cousins should suffer; I know they already have, what I wish is that they realise that and that they realise they don’t have to hurt anymore, that they don’t have to hurt anyone else to feel okay. I hope they stop comparing their pain to others, or perhaps some of them need to realise that others have as much, if not more, suffering in their lives. Whichever it is, I hope it works, because whilst I may not care much about them anymore, I used to look up to them, as strong, independent women, and now they hurt the ones who might love them all their lives, and who has, at least until now. But I have to attempt to avoid as much of the pain they inflict on a person very dear to me, and I fear that might mean she won’t be there for them anymore. But to me she is more important than them, and there is nothing else I can do.